Gold Stars

I was talking to one of my friends the other day that has gone back to graduate school, and I realized that I really miss being in school. I miss buying my new notebooks and pens and learning about anything really. Most of all, I miss that big fat A I used to get on most of my assignments and tests. I loved working hard, getting that positive reinforcement, and just feeling smart. That is one aspect of motherhood that I find challenging. There is never that "job well done" feeling equivalent to getting that A. The kids never look at me and say, "wow mom, I think I'll give you an A on that diaper change today." I'm a carrot-chaser as my friend put it. Where's my carrot these days? Everyday, I wonder if I'm doing a good job raising these kids. Are they going to be good people? Make good choices? Am I playing with them enough? Giving them enough independent time? creative time? Who knows. I don't get a mommy report card. I really wish I did sometimes! I'm sure that when they get older, they will blame me for everything that is wrong in their lives. It would be nice to know along the way what I should be doing differently. Even in the work world, I find the lack of positive reinforcement discouraging. I never feel like I am meeting expectations or performing at my best. I always felt this way when I was doing school work, but was reassured when I got that freaking A. Not now! Anyhow, that's what I'm thinking about tonight. I want a gold star so I know I'm doing a good job with these kids and with what I'm focusing on right now. That will never happen now that I'm an adult I guess. Maybe I should go back to school.